And Theeeeeeeeeeen....

A few days ago I randomly came down with a virus or as I liked to call it, a bowel reenactment of Hiroshima. This wasn’t just any stomach bug. I felt as if my insides had just been through a 7.0 magnitude earthquake… too soon?

While many people run to the supermarket to grab some Pepto Bismol or pick up some chicken soup, I have always taken a different approach.

I believe that a virus isn’t something you try to treat. A lot of people take medications or get shots from doctors to help the pain. The bad thing is that these techniques only mask the symptoms rather than kill the virus. I however, treat a virus like, ohhh, a terrorist.

I attack the crap out of it. Instead of Dayquil, I call in the cavalry. I call in the WMDs. I call… China King.

To destroy a virus you need to catch it off guard and that’s exactly what 5 pounds of MSG does. While the virus is sitting in my stomach waiting for some like buttered toast and orange juice, I’m ordering a Letter-H Lunch Special with extra duck sauce.

While the virus makes itself comfy through my intestines and around my bowels, I am pouring half a bottle of Frank’s Red Hot Sauce on my meal for that little extra F-U kick.

To this day my theory has been successful and holds an impressive 11-0 record. (At this rate, one more and I clinch home field advantage.)

Viruses today are treated too softly with  small doses of medicine and liquids. So next time you’re laying in bed curled up in a ball of death or are using you toilet as a porcelain pillow, grab your phone and dial up a pu pu platter for two. One for you and the other for that Osama Bug Virus hiding within your body.

瓷枕头 (porcelian pillow)
Your Lucky Numbers: 6 13 27 42 51

I Got 99 Reasons But A Manny Aint One

On July 18^th, 2010 at 7:01PM, Carl Beane (the Red Sox P.A. Announcer) will utter the name of a man once loved, hated, and confused by the fans of Boston. He will quickly run through the first three members of the visiting team. He will say “Batting third and playing right field, Andre Ethier.” There will then be a pause, a clearing of the throat, and the crowd will take a deep breath. The next words out of Beane mouth might produce the loudest noise at Fenway since opening day. “Batting fourth and playing left field, Manny Ramirez.”

The question is what will the crowd yell after Ramirez’s name echoes through the sound system?

Will the crowd cheer? Boo? Heckle? Start a traitor chant? Steroids chant? Maybe nothing (unlikely)?

Will they applaud the man that once (with the help of his Dominican counterpart) carried the 2004 and 2007 Red Sox on his and Papi’s backs?

Manny was voted to the All Star game 7 consecutive times as a member of the Sox. He hit a high .312 batting average, belting 274 round trippers, and batted in a ridiculous 868 runs. All this in just 8 seasons. This is career worth of stats.

He’s entertained the fans with this Goliath-like strength. He hit the second longest home run at Fenway Park, 

a 501 foot shot against the Blue Jays, one foot shy of the record. (Ted Williams: 502ft)

He led the American League in multiple stats. Leading the AL in home runs in 2004, intentional walks in 2001/2003 (not the major leagues since Bonds was still shooting… I mean playing, and on base percentage in 2002-2003 and 2006. He also led the league in batting in 2002 with a Joe Mauer-esk batting average.

Now I don’t want to get all hopped up on stats. (even though I wouldn’t mind going on with my spreadsheet of fun here.)

Manny also brought some hardware back to the Bay State. He was the recipient of the Hank Aaron Award in 2004, and 6 time Silver Slugger winner with the Sox. OOOOHHHH Yeah… He also brought Boston more gold with World Series Trophies than Flava Flav has in teeth fronts. His league leading batting average in 2002 was rewarded with the AL Batting Title.

While this is all very, very, berry fresh and fruity (Thank you IHOP), there were a few things that might just make the fans boo the old cleanup hitter.

First, there’s the countless blundering moments of Manny so-called “being Manny.”

From the potty break in the Green Monster, sitting on a baseball after failing to catch it on the dive, and of course, practically walking to first base every time he made contact with the ball.

(On a side note: I don’t think I’ve ever hated a player more for not hustling, even if it is a routine ground ball because baseball is full of obscurities. You really don’t know what’s going to happen. That ball could be bobbled by the first baseman. I don’t see the harm in just running to first base.)

Manny was also and is still also not a team player. He made comments public about his dislike of Boston and how he wanted to be traded. All this came at the beginning of the season too. Man in the sky forbid he wait until the off season. Heck, he’s even doing it again with the Dodgers now.

Manny was also accused of choking a member of the Red Sox organization and throwing them to the ground. 

Oh yea, the guy was in his 60s but its okay, it’s just “Manny Being Manny.”

Oh and let’s not forget about the whole steroids situation. Manny was suspended for 50 games as a member of the Dodgers for abusing the league’s drug policy.

So the question is, what WILL the fans do once Ramirez’s name is announced? Will they cheer for the Manny that we loved for 6 or so years, bring home 2 World Series trophies, or will they boo for the club house cancer and drug user.

So if the fans boo, they boo. And if the fans cheer, they cheer. If they do nothing, then they doing nothing. It's just important to remember that no matter what they do you can't blame them because, Hey, it's the just the fans being fans.

Strasburg, Party of 14!

Empty, hankering, famished, starved, and carnivorous; all words that describe how Stephen Strasburg felt after his impressive debut against the Pirates Tuesday night.

Unlike me, he put it a lot simpler. He’s hungry.

Strasburg left the 7^th inning having thrown 94 pitches, giving up a home run, two earned runs, fanning 14, and for the first time ever, leaving every fan (40,315) at Nationals Park screaming, standing, and “hungry” for more.

SportsCenter has become StrasCenter for the last 2 days, hyping his debut and basking in his first 7 innings of fame. However, as impressive as it was, I’m not entirely convinced by one outing.

Let me rephrase that… I’m not convinced, YET.

I’ll give him credit, he definitely held his composure and showed no signs of last night being his first major league game.

However, there are some factors we need to throw into the fire. The Pirates are dead last in the Majors in Runs Scored, RBI’s, and Batting average. They’re 25^th overall in Homeruns, and 29^th overall in hits. To say the least, they are good enough to win the anti-triple crown. This played a role in Strasburg’s success Tuesday night because he was practically facing the worst offensive team in the MLB.

Granted his curveball was untouchable and his fastball invisible. He still like every rookie, had some mistakes. His control was 50/50. He was hitting some spots dead on, and missing them by 2 or 3 feet. There were two control issues in particular that stand out to me. One of them didn’t help him, but finally brought a reality to the crowd and Strasburg himself, that I think everyone needed.

The first was a home run given up to Delwyn Young where he left a change up over the middle of the plate in a spot where every major leaguer can crush it for a four bagger. This is quite a big mistake even though it was only a two run homerun. But unlike some ball clubs, teams like the Nationals and Pirates can’t afford to let up more than a couple runs, since they don’t produce that many each night.

The other mistake was in favor of the young gun. He threw a breaking ball that not only broke about a foot and a half but missed the catcher’s target by twice that much. The batter however, didn’t have a chance and swung wildly at it for the strike three.

The kid (and yes I can call him kid since he’s about 2 years younger than myself) has stuff, there’s no doubt about that. I’m not taking anything away from his power, poise, and aggressiveness.

But I would love to see him face a line up with at least a little bit of talent. If the schedule goes as planned, His next four opponents will consist of the Indians, White Sox, Orioles, and Braves. If you asked me, and you must be otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this, We’re not going to see what this kid’s really made of until he faces Atlanta.

WARNING: EXTREME STATS COMING AT YOU!!!

Until Strasburg theoretically pitches against the Braves, he’ll be facing 3 more of the worst offensive teams in the MLB.

The follow stats are as follows: Batting Average = Cleveland 26^th, Chicago (AL) 28^th, Baltimore 24^th.

Runs Scored = Cleveland 26^th, Chicago (AL) 25^th, Baltimore 28^th.

Hits = Cleveland 27^th, Chicago (AL) 30^th, Baltimore 25^th.

In fact the only thing that Baltimore might have going for them is they don’t strike out a lot as they’re only 6^th in team whiffs. However, they will be right down the road from Nationals Park, so I’m pretty sure the crowd will be helping to pump the blood through the veins of Strasburg fast than 2 Viagra’s and a bottle of scotch. 

Although I did hear that scotch helped David Wells with his perfect game.

For a pitcher who practically tore the Pirates roster a new one, these next few teams should be fairly simple, considering they are almost the same team as Pittsburgh.

So grab your day planner and mark your calendars. Pick up the phone and make your reservation now, because Strasburg is sure to serve up a few plates of success these next few starts. But come his “theoretical” start against the Braves, he might want to have the pepto bismol handy.